As you know, I seem to express myself best in my writing, at least sometimes. As I sit here with a sick child, having to take off another day of work, I have once again tried to be pro active on this journey and have taken time to re-evaluate where we might be heading. I’ve looked at my values and goals and yet I am at a loss for what lies ahead. I guess I am in the tension of being intentional and authentic about my life and also walking in faith to where you are leading me. It is a place that I don’t like, because I continually feel stuck. I try and muster up some positive thinking, but you know the other barriers that I feel keep me in the same place, and so I am coming to you today to remind you of my obedience and to aks you to remove the barriers that I cannot.
So let me start by reminding you how I have followed you. As I look back on this journey, I remember your call to me when a young girl in Catholic grade school. You led me to youth retreats and prayer ministries where I began to understand who you were, where I started to believe that I could be who you created me to be; authentic and transparent. I remember standing up in the group and sharing a part of my journey. I don’t recall the details, but I know it touched hearts that day, and the feedback was confirming. I still didn’t know who I was in you, but I was now on my way. There were other youth events that were sometimes good and sometimes bad, but I believed you used them to help me once again learn who you are.
You since have led me one church at a time into knowing more of who you are and more of who I am in you. There was the church plant that I got saved in and found Christian community. The non-denom/baptist. where you had me wrestle in deep theology, where I was eager to serve and grow, but again I struggled with much of who I was in you. The first denominational church where I felt loved and accepted; where a place of worship and grace ruled; but then I took a risk in my calling to vocational ministry with an opportunity to serve more in a church that I thought would get me a foot in the door to a job someday, but all it did was leave me frustrated because my core values didn’t match up. So now, I am in my 5th church, a non-denom/charismatic, where you led me to through a prophetic word that I dared you to give me. Here, I once again can fully engaged in worship on Sundays, but still searching for where exactly I fit in, where I can serve and connect. I know we have talked about how you have used these churches to show me different parts of the body of Christ and to help me not be boxed in a structure; but then why the seminary journey? It was costly in many ways of time, money and sacrifice. I sure would love to use some of that to help others; I guess that was the point, or at least that is what I had hoped it would be.
So now I sit here, partly disillusioned by it all, but knowing that it has to all be a part of a bigger plan that I cannot see. All I wanted to do was be in paid vocational ministry, preferably at a church, working along side pastors and leaders with shared vision. And so I wanted to know why that hasn’t happened yet, after countless times of getting out of the boat and trying to follow you on faith? Is there something that I am missing? Something that I am just not getting? I sit here with an M.Div and a handful of experience that no one seems to give a rip about. I don’t know if you want me to create something, but there are always barriers that I can’t seem to get past.
You know my efforts to reach out to people on this journey; pastors,leaders, mentors.. But it either completly fails or doesn’t lead anywhere; and so now I am trying to hold on and believe that you still have a calling for me. I’m trying to find balance and peace, and yet there is a sea of unanswered questions and dreams that lay dormant in my head and my heart. I guess today is the National day of prayer and many are praying for things beyond themselves. But today I feel broken, and so I’d like to pray for myself.
Lord, I am reminded of the truths that you have spoken to me in your Word. That you knit me in my mother’s womb and that you know every detail of my life. That you have plans to prosper me and to give me a hope and a future. You have given me Words of encouragement in your Word, and through others at different times. Help me to remember them and let hope arise within me. Help me worship and trust you, but I do ask that you would remove the barriers that keep me from living the life that you have for me. Lord, remember the times I was full of faith, and even fear, and yet, got out of the boat to follow you in unknown places. Remember the tears that I have cried in wanting to do your will. Thank you for your grace and forgiveness and please let me see you move in my circumstances in mighty ways. Please bring people in my life that I need today and in this season. Thank you for what you are doing, please keep me strong and faithful. Please remember my faithfulness and efforts to follow and serve you with my life and bless me with my hearts desire to live for you and raise my daughter in knowing you also. Daddy, you promised, please remember me.
Your daughter, Robin